Goals

I know that I've posted of goals before.  Or something similar.  Here I go again.  So, I took this job here in town to help see us over the hump of opening a new business.  It's not my dream job, but it's one that pays.  I am astoundingly grateful that I have it right now, all things being equal. But to be honest, I really can't see myself being there in a year.  So, I asked myself this evening, where WOULD I like to be in a year?  (providing of course, that the Maya were just playing a trick on us and the Zombie Apocalypse doesn't happen)  I have a few ideas floating around in my head of where APPROXIMATELY I'd like to be, but I think I need to ponder and put pen to paper to determine EXACTLY where that place is and how to get there.  I will report back to you.

Peace

D

Aha Moment

I learned a lesson today.  A very important lesson.  What I learned today is that whatever bad stuff is going on in my life isn't bad enough for me to dwell on and wallow in and pretend is the center of the Universe.  What I learned is that when I stop worrying about my bad stuff and start caring about other people's bad stuff and what I can do to make it better, my bad stuff gets smaller and smaller until it doesn't affect every second of my day.

Interesting.

D

Dream a little dream

The other night I was awakened by a horrible nightmare. It was so vivid and somewhat plausible (if you think like I do) that I actually started worrying that it wasn't REALLY a dream. In my dream, I was told that my whole entire life was make believe. That I had had a psychotic break 15 years ago. That my life got so bad that I just made up a new one. That I was in a mental institution and that I was living in a dream world. Nothing was real about it. My amazing husband. My amazing and successful kids. My great little house and property. My friends. My skills. All a product of an overactive, malfunctioning, insane mind. I was terrified. I woke my husband and made him tell me he was real. But then, of course that's what I did. And he obliged....but wouldn't my make believe husband reassure me in my darkest hour because that's what the ideal husband would do? So really, it didn't do much to allay my fears. (Trust me, at 2 in the morning anything makes sense). Then he said to me "well, if this really IS a dream, it's a pretty good one" and fell back asleep with his arm around me. I lay in bed afraid to go back to sleep and started to calm down and logically (I use that term loosely) think about the dream and what DH said. I can remember sitting at the dinner table with my family when I was in about 8th grade. I said I wanted 2 kids. A boy first, and then 5 years later a girl. I wanted it that way so that my daughter would have a big brother to look after her like a big brother should. I said I wanted to live in an old house I could fix up. I said I wanted to sell crafts and ladybugs and vegetables. I wanted to be self sufficient or as close to it as modern life allows. I know what you're thinking....big dreams. I hadn't yet really formed any ideas on a career, very similar to now. But the point of this exercise is to say that everything, with the exception of the ladybugs has become a reality in my life. Interesting.

I relayed my dream and thoughts to some friends and they thanked me for including them in my delusion and for giving them such interesting and varied lives, and they also suggested that I manifest some extra cash for everyone involved.

My conclusions: A) Perhaps I am in a mental institution but what a great life I've created or B) maybe we actually have some control in the outcome of our lives. Maybe I had Faith that these things would happen without even knowing it was Faith. I just knew it to be true. Of course, I took many wrong turns but I ended up in the place that I wanted to be. And I'm grateful.

I am working on that cash issue though...


Peace

Spring Cleaning

I was up visiting my parent's this last week. My mom mentioned that I posted that last blog posting and then fell of the face of the planet. So much has gone on and so many things have happened since October that I would think "OOOO! that would make an excellent topic for a blog post" and then I'd come home and be so tired or so busy that I never could make myself sit alone at the computer in it's dark corner to write about it. So I compose in my head and then set it adrift in the atmosphere for y'all to listen for it. I guess that system is not quite as effective as actually writing it down and sending out via the great internet in the cosmos. So I will try to do better starting now. Of course, it helps that a wonderful friend gave me a laptop so now I'm sitting on the sofa w/ my husband watching the History channel and blogging w/ a cat curled up in my lap. Much more attractive than before.

In the last 5 months I have experienced great joy and great sadness, overwhelming peace and anxiety, satisfaction and wanting....and at the end of the day, I'm still glad that I am who I am living the life I'm living and doing it in my own weird way. I guess I can't really go back and tell you everything, but here's the cliff note version. All my kids came home for Christmas which was astoundingly awesome. I started a "temporary job" at a hippie cloth diaper store run by a friend and it's turned into a permanent part time position. I'm not only cleaning bathrooms for a friend but also her whole house and the dwellings for 2 other clients. I have been diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat and also a severely prolapsed mitral valve with "significant regurgitation" which is a great excuse to have my husband carry heavy things for me. I learned how to knit in January and love it and now have another obsession which I'm absolutely POSITIVE that I needed. I finally broke down and bought a real solar oven and it's the coolest thing ever. I'm pretty sure those are all the highlights. And they're not the things that would have inspired me to sit down and pour my heart out to y'all. well, maybe the kids at Christmas, but that would have been they left. That sucked.

Spring is here and I'm able to spend more time outside and that's when I get to listen for the sound of life to tell me things. For God and Mother Nature to whisper their truths to me. For me to be able to be still enough to listen for the directions for my life. I love spring. It renews me. Physically, spiritually, emotionally and every other way that it can.

This didn't turn out to be the post that I wanted it to be but I guess it's the one I was supposed to write as my return to the blogging fold. I guess I'm a little rusty, but I'll get oiled up I'm sure.

Thanks for reading all the way to the end.

Peace,

D

To be or not to be...

Normal...that is the question. Since I left my job back in May, I've been working hard to make enough money through sewing and other jobs to make our monthly budget. I've done pretty well so far, but boy, has October been rough. I'm starting to get stressed and wonder where the next paycheck will come from and will it arrive on time and will it be enough. I'm struggling to keep my faith sometimes and it's hard to relax. I'm taking extra time in the morning to chat with God and sit outside by the pond and just listen to what I'm being told and that really helps. A few things are coming through. A friend who's had back surgery has been told that there's simply some things she will not be able to do anymore and she's hired me to help her out around the house every other week. A client who has ordered 3 quilts is paying out over time, bi-weekly. Another friend got me a job as a poll worker on Election Day. Small things like that are panning out. And then a friend who works at a shop that I used to work out gave her notice. My very first thought was "I'll just talk to the owner and take over that job". It wouldn't be much money, but it would be steady. Consistent. Comfortable. Even though this is a job that I left, willingly, because my personality didn't quite fit in. Sometimes it was awkward, even uncomfortably so. And yet, I was willing to go back because it was steady. So I asked my DH to come sit with me by the pond and chat with me about things. First, he said that he really appreciated the fact that I was considering getting another steady job. Second, he said that he really thought that me returning to work at this particular location would not be a good idea. Then he took my hands in his and looked me in the face and said "honey, normal jobs aren't really your style". I was taken aback a little, feeling like he was saying that I wasn't capable. But then I realized that he wasn't. He was saying that maybe I'm different. Unconventional. Eccentric. It's not that I'm not a hard worker, or competent, or capable. I'm all of those things and more. He was saying that I wouldn't be happy. He was saying that it's ok to march to your own drummer. He was saying that he loves me not in spite of me being a square peg, but because of it. It's ok with him if I meet our budget by cleaning someone's bathroom, or helping someone organize their home, or selling things at a craft fair, or working one day at a polling place or all of the above and more. He trusts me to do the right thing even if it's not the way everyone else's wife would do it. It took such a load off of my shoulders and my heart. I was afraid that he would be embarrassed by some of my "job" choices, but he's not. He embraces my differences. My unconventional style. My way of trusting that God and the Universe will care for me if I trust and care for others. I'm glad I'm not normal. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just not for me.

And here's a secret. I knew I've always been a little different, but I never realized how different I really am until today. I asked DH why he had never told me. His response? "I thought you knew".

So on that note, any one have any odd jobs that need to be done?

Peace

Goals

It occurred to me the other day that I needed to write down some goals. Sometimes we get so bogged down with trying to stay afloat that we forget that we should be working towards something. A nice retirement, financial independence, a new roof, a new purse, even more money in the budget to spend on groceries or an occasional night out with the hubby. These are all goals. Some of them are more humble than the others and some are long term and some are short term. But you MUST have them. Otherwise, at the end of another week at the grind with nothing to show for it and barely a penny in your pocket you feel hopeless and wonder why you even bother. I asked my DH where he thought we should be in 5 years and he had no answer. He'd never thought about it, just the day to day keeping-the-lights-on nose-to-the-grindstone rut of going to work b/c you're supposed to. I proposed some goal setting.

I can't really discuss my husband's goals, because they're not mine. But I can discuss my goals. One of my goals is to get my Etsy shop up and running and successful. I've recently become involved in the Etsy Holiday Boot Camp to help artists with their shops and one of the tasks in the first weeks check list was to write a mission statement. I just sorta stared at that task and thought about checking it off without doing it. How am I supposed to write a mission statement? That's for big corporations and businesses...not for the Lone Quilter on a Quest who just wants to make some extra money. I went back to the website with the checklist and found a link on how to get started. They asked 2 simple questions to help you with your mission statement. They are:

Why am I working my butt off?
What is my motivation?

Excellent questions! Why do I want to make extra money? What are my goals? So I wrote down my motivations. It was slow going at first, but once I got that first one down on paper more started flowing out of the tip of my pen. Pay for C's college, tickets to see my son and his wife, pay off some medical bills, go to a hockey game with DH, make things easier. After a while I noticed that they all sort of had the same theme and that theme was my Mission. I HAVE A MISSION! And from that, I have a Mission Statement. And here it is:

"To use my abilities and passions to help my family and I achieve our goals and dreams and to become more independent."

Short, sweet and to the point. It encompasses everything I have on my list of goals. I learned that goals are what motivate you to work smarter, achieve greater, think broader, help more, be happier. They give you purpose. They give you hope. They give you faith.

I challenge you to write down some goals. For today, next week, next month, next year. Once you have them written down, you can create a road map on how to get there. You have to know where you're going in order to arrive.

I wish you all peace

D

Success (sorta)

I successfully (sorta) survived my first day back in the empty nester world. My DH had a very long day at work, so I was alone from the time I woke up until about dinner time. The house was startling in it's quiet-ness. Even the dog knows that things are different now. She just laid on the floor, close to me no matter what room I was in. I had to run out to the grocery store to pick up dinner fixins' and she acted very worried when I grabbed my purse. Monroe, my grand-fish is gone as well. He went back to school with C so I don't have the morning routine of feeding and chatting with him while I drink my coffee anymore. Things change so much in the blink of an eye. I guess I was "successful" in surviving in the way that I didn't sit in her room and cry all day, but the "sorta" part was more telling. I got things done. I did my regular chores. I did my regular sewing. I did my regular cooking. But there was something alive and vibrant missing from those things. My daughter is a wonderful young woman. Caring, compassionate, sweet, loving, funny, loyal, smart, beautiful and with a helpful spirit. When she's home, there's not a chore that I set out to do with out hearing "Momma, do you need any help?" Today, that spirit was missing along with the stupid inside jokes and movie quotes and random dance breaks and all the other stuff that we do that no one else gets. My heart hurts because I miss her but more importantly my heart hurts because it's bursting with pride and love for her. She is becoming a successful young woman with good friends surrounding her and a goal in front of her. I did a good job and that makes me happy. From here on out, everything else in my life is gravy. I was blessed with the loan of two amazing people. I raised them and then gave them back to the world. I am a lucky woman. But I sure miss them

deb