Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

I wanted to write a really poignant post about how stressful and horrible this last year was, and explain how great my friends, neighbors and family are, but the words don't seem to be flowing very well.  Instead, my fingers keep wanting to type that I actually wanted to play in the dirt today.  And I can't remember the last time that I wanted to do that.  So maybe I'm not in survival mode anymore.  Maybe life is returning to that happy medium everyone talks about wanting, but no one appreciates. (I REALLY appreciate it now) Maybe playing in the dirt is my canary in a coal mine.  I don't know.  All I know is that it was really nice being out in the sun and listening to the birds and the leaves, even though my yard looks like a nuclear test site right about now and it's too late to get a fall garden in and most of my raised beds self destructed under neglect and will need to be rebuilt before next spring.

So I guess that's it.  Really crappy year. Really really great friends and family. Playing in the dirt. 

That's all I got.

Peace

When I grow up

In my last post, I said that I was pondering my goals.  It took me FOREVER to do it.  I just couldn't put anything on paper that looked or felt right.  It was things like "have a successful Etsy shop", "teach classes" or "quilt for a living".  All things that sound like they should be my goals.  But they're not.  Not at all.  I became frustrated with the process and set it aside.  One day,  on my day off, I was happily vacuuming and cleaning my home (yes, I truly enjoy puttering and cleaning my little house) and that lightbulb that so often stays dark came on.  I found my goal.  And I was shocked.  What is it?  I want to stay home. Is want to be a farm wife. I want to wake up in the morning and take care of my home and my family and animals.  I want to make curtains and paint walls and create a warm place for the people in my life to come and feel safe.  I want to provide amazing healthful food.  I want to tend to my garden and when there's extra, provide it to my friends.  I want to make rain barrels.  And chicken coops. and ......well, you get the picture.  And I want to do ALL of that without feeling guilty. And if, by some chance, I can do all of that, and it creates income, all the better.  I looked at all the numbers, and they were scary.  A lot of stuff needs to be accomplished in order for me to be able to achieve my goal, so I created an "action wall".  I have charts for bills that need to be paid off, and ways to do it, charts for the amount of hours that I've worked, charts for quilt jobs, charts everywhere.  And a DAILY breakdown of what I need to do every single day of the week to accomplish what I need.  And to be able to mark a box off  the chart.  There is nothing I love more than checking off boxes on charts.  I can see what I've done and make adjustments and feel good about things.  And it just may be working.  And a really good thing happened.  Through a random series of bizarre events and conversations, I have an old un-used farm, close to home (like 5 miles) that I can use.  Seriously.  I know that I'll never own my very own farm, and so this is the next best thing.

For the next 6 months, I will be working about 80 hours a week.  Which sounds really awful.  And it could be, if I didn't have those charts.  When I look at them, I remember why I'm doing what I'm doing and I feel like I'm really working towards something instead of just working.  And that feels good. 

Peace